Miscellanious Funny Stuff

[Lady Winter Wolf]

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"

Since the fourth Catholic woman continues to sip her coffee in silence, the first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"

Finally she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, sexy, antler wearing, body-building pagan. When he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God.'"

[Lady Winter Wolf]

The Gathering

Scene: A wood. In the distance is an eclectic pagan group. Two figures hiding in the woods spot each other.

Thor: Evening.

Zeus: Evening. God?

Thor: Yep. You too?

Zeus. Yep.

Pause

Thor: How long ago did they invoke you?

Zeus: About half an hour. Still singing those awful songs though.

Thor: We all come from the Goddess?

Zeus: That's the dirge. Cheek. You've heard that other one? We are the old people, we are the new people, we are same people, wiser from before?

Thor: Yeah. What do you make of it?

Zeus: Olympus knows. If they're so bloody wise why can't they work out whether they're old, new or the same? Where you from?

Thor: Up North. Thunder God.

Zeus: Hey, really? Me too! King of the Gods round our way. You?

Thor: Sometimes, depends on the saga. Oh look, they're sacrificing some stuff.

In the circle some mead is poured onto the ground. Thor holds hands out and mead flows into them from the ground.

Thor: How am I supposed to get rat-faced on this? Half a bloody thimbleful.

Zeus. What is it?

Thor: Mead. Made from honey.

Zeus: Alcoholic?

Thor: Yep.

Cerridwen: Evening boys.

Thor and Zeus: Whoa Nelly!

Cerridwen: Pour it in this cauldron.

Thor does so. Cauldron fills with mead.

Thor: I have GOT to get me one of those!

Zeus (drinking): Mmmm. Nice. That eye-tie girl, Fortuna, she's got a horn like that. Keeps it stuffed with fruit all the time though. This is good stuff. Let's pass it round before the wine gets poured.

Thor: Wine?

Zeus: O, believe me, if you like this stuff you're gonna love wine. Hey girlie, where you from?

Cerridwen: Wales. Got left out of the 7 Goddess chant because Americans think Wales is part of England or something. And they never pour cider in this damn country. COME ON OUT LADS.

Various pantheons of deities emerge from trees, gather round and scoop mead.

Venus: Honey! It's booze made from honey! And bees are sacred to me! Why didn't my priestesses think of this?

Zeus: Heads up, here comes the wine!

In the distance, wine is poured on the ground. Dionysus holds out hands, wine flows from ground and he pours it into the cauldron. Cauldron fills with wine. Deities greedily scoop up and drink.

Long pause

Thor: What is this cr*p?

Zeus: Whaddya mean, this is wine. This is good stuff. This is, this is ... this is NON-ALCOHOLIC! WHO ORDERED THIS?

Evil Demon: It is I, Alconon, Lord of the Twelve Steps! ... Where's everyone going?

Gods and Goddesses disperse, mumbling. In the distance, the ritual continues for hours and hours and hours...