Gaming Jokes and one-liners

[rincewind]

Ok, these are ones I found elsewhere, but I liked a few so I figured I'd share. I guess these would be racist jokes in a D&D world. RPGman should like the dwarf ones

Q. What do you throw a drowning dwarf?
A. His wife and kids.

Q: Why do gnomes have such big noses?
A: So they have some place to keep their fingers.

Various "do it" jokes:

Druids do it in the woods.
Assassins do it from behind.
Mages do it with their hands and mouth.

[Rincewind]

Here's a little bit of wisdom from DM of the Rings I particularly enjoyed. I'm going to use it as my sig for a while.


Give a player a fish, and he’ll probably try to sell it to an NPC fisherman.

Teach a player to fish, and next week he’ll show up with the book, “The Complete Adventuring Fisherman”. He’ll start hunting for some monstrous leviathan to catch and enslave, and he’ll be dual-wielding two fishing poles.

[Dmitri]

What exactly is the damage rating on fishing poles? Slashing, bludgeoning or piercing damage? Light weapons, one handed, or two-handers? Martial or simple proficiency...

(See, I can "Rules Lawyer" with the best of em!)

[grond]

Not true, if you could, you would have had the answers to all of those questions, and a list of feats to optimize the fishing pole.
The fishing pole as a weapon is an improvised double weapon, one part whip, the other part a bludgeoning equivalent of a rapier. The weapon finesse feat may be applied to the fishing pole and a successful hit allows the wielder to attempt an entangle, similar to a net attack. A character hit by a the "whip" end of a fishing pole is 25% likely to lose a random item worn on the body, or carried visibly.
Now that's rules lawyering!

[Rincewind]

Found a great crit miss story on the net I thought I'd share. Follows below.

Our campaign uses the old style fumble rules, and we've had some significant fun with them over the years. But the best was when our Paladin of Heironymous, a notorious fumblethumbs (he'd roll 3-4 1's a night, we actually modified our marching order to stay away from him, and took away his crossbow because he kept accidently shooting fellow party members), entered a melee sans helmet (it had gotten knocked off and lost earlier in the game). He attacks a pair of bugbears that are trying to flank him, and so he's flailing around with his broadsword pretty good. Sure enough, he rolls a one, then follows it up with a 00 (at this point, the rest of the party is groaning, we figure he's let go of the sword and flung it into someone for triple damage plus bonuses, and we're all checking our hitpoints and healing potion stocks). DM gets a funny look on his face, says "Roll percentile again." And sure enough, the first and only time I've *ever* ever seen this happen in 20 years of gaming, he rolls ANOTHER 00. I'd have never believed it if I hadn't seen it along with the entire rest of my crew. The rest of the party freaks out, we have NO IDEA what happens now, we're serously wondering if Heironymous himself is going to come up from Elysium and whack him on the head or something. DM says "helmet's gone, right?" Right, says the Paladin... you see where I'm going with this?

He DECAPITATED HIMSELF. The first 00 rendered something like "wound self, head, maximum damage, plus roll on chart II" and the second one rendered "sever body part" or something like that. And a legend was born...

[Dmitri]

I never thought I would see it, but that tops Grond's barba-fighter almost killing people with his falling katana.

Kudos to the doplick pally...

[Rincewind]

If the monster who captures you tells you that "Resistance is fertile", it's best not to inquire what he meant lest you find out that it wasn't a slip of the tongue.

Thanks to Man-Man for the joke.
www.man-man.org/?comic=&date=20030819

[Rincewind]

I think this wisdom from "Fear the Boot" is invaluable for DM's.

"If you want them to solve a puzzle, they flee. If you want them to flee, they try to negotiate. If you want them to negotiate, they attack. If you want them to attack, they try to puzzle their way around the fight."

I think Dmitri particularly is growing to accept all this

It goes with their previous nugget of advice-

"Your Game Master may leave subtle clues in the game to direct the players towards predesigned goals and into intended conflicts. Take careful note of these nonverbal hints and directions and for the love of Crom don't do any of them.
What are you, a child or something?"

[grond]

I remembered one that ought to have made it onto here, but seems to have been overlooked
In LGG3, and I'm sure this is committed to these boards elsewhere, the party is faced with the prospect of attending a party at the prince's mansion to help advance the plot. While partaking in a small bout of gambling, dice I believe, several of us note that prince never loses, and that his adviser is wearing "wizardy" clothes and mumbling and gesturing. We figure, magical cheating is afoot. Our favored soul Half Copper Dragon spearheads the confrontation, and in his fluster to impress or intimidate the prince, he very clearly states that in his homeland the prince's "shenanigans would be seen through like butter" (the part before the quotes is a paraphrase). We learned that afternoon that in addition to 60ft darkvision, half-dragons can see through butter.

"Your shenanigan's will be seen through like butter!" Rach the half copper dragon to some NPC

[Rincewind]

Another fun one from LGG3-
The Cleric of Pelor was getting pickpocketed by a wizard/thief for a few gold. He didn't notice, but Rach did. Dragonsrule chose to not have Rach tell Dmitri's cleric about this, figuring the wizard/thief could use a few gold, whereupon Dmitri jokingly said to Dragonsrule, "I sense motive to see if you're being a dick!"